Defenders Against the Monsters

Dear Monsters,

I can hear you creeping around my room at night, knocking on the walls and rattling my door. I know you are trying to get in. You have been since I was little, and while I don't need the light, (can't stand the light, actually), to fend you off anymore, I have better weapons now.

First is this epic sock monkey named Socky that lives in the top of my closet.
Yeah, he is a creepy mofo most of the time. And yeah, he might have tried to kill me a few times when I first got him, but in all fairness, I did try to rip him up first. Anyways, he is a kickass fighter, and he has a few other badass stuffed animals to back him up. Like my 15 year old unicorn. She's a touch bitch and has no fear of monsters. She is a skilled monster killer at this point.

Next is Ed.
Well, his full name is Ed-Hin, but we usually just shorten it to Ed. Despite his name, he is smart…or maybe it is just his psychopathic tendencies and creepiness that makes it seem that way…Either way, he's got razor sharp teeth that when I think about it, shouldn't be able to fit in his mouth, but they do. And a smile that literally goes from ear to ear. Rather disturbing to look at honestly. He lives in the bottom of my closet, but likes to crawl around on my floor when the light is off.

He also likes to touch your face really gently while hunched over you in your sleep.
And feet.

He really, really likes feet.

…He is pretty rapey in general. I'd avoid him if I were you. I'm trying to break him of biting strangers, but yeah, not going well >>

MOVING ON.

If you make it past Socky and Ed, then you have me.
I kick. And flail. And occasionally punch in my sleep.
Ask my roommate.
Especially when I get woken up :I I'm not a happy camper in the mornings/when I get woken up. I'm a murderous, slightly crazy woman who'd rather rip your face off than open my eyes.
Again, ask my roommate. She's been on the receiving end before.
So if you do finally make it to me, I'm going to beat the crap out of you before I'm even awake. Of course, when/if I do wake up, I'm probably going to scream like the little bitch I am.

All of the screaming and moving around might wake up my roommate…maybe…she is pretty hard to wake up sometimes…like, you can literally scream while sitting next to her, and she mumbles a vague insult without really waking up. Still, if she gets woke up, you should know she doesn't like monsters all that much. At least, not when they are scaring me. She is also small-ish. And mean. And terrifyingly ferocious when protecting what she loves.

It's adorable, really.

Anyways, with her purple and brown hair going everywhere, including up and sideways, she will claw your eyes (if you have any) out with her tipped fingernails (sadistic bitch). Once she has mauled you to perfection, she will tear down my carefully constructed sunlight blockers from over our windows (because who the hell sleeps during the night?? Freaks) and throw your sorry ass out. She'll laugh as you roast in the sunlight until I complain at her about too much light, then we'll cover the windows and go back to sleep.

We probably won't remember any of this when we wake up because we are like two goldfish.

Sorry for your wasted efforts,
The Girl With A Shit Memory